Please don't refer to me as Michelle...

Please don't refer to me as Michelle... I'm her Mama.

Our county social worker swung by this morning for her brief, monthly visit. She has to hold her, play with her, check for any developmental milestones/delays, and see if the baby has a diaper rash. She also tells me about any court updates regarding our baby's case.

Well it seems like Baby A's stay is nearing the end...with maybe a month left. So now I hold her a little tighter, a little longer, blinking back tears that threaten to overflow. The social worker, in a motherese sing-song voice, cooed to Baby A:

"You're going to miss Michelle, huh? She loves you."

Inside my head, I was protesting: No, I am not Michelle...I'm Mama! 

We've never met her birth mom and she has never known another 24/7 caregiver. She's been my daughter for almost 6 months now. I'm the one who calms her, feeds her, deals with her tantrums, plays with her, LOVES HER!  (Yes, raw unfettered, selfish emotions here.) How can you refer to me as just Michelle? I'm her Mama.

And this is just what the Lord has called us to do. To care for orphans in their distress. To love them as our own. For we were once orphans until God called us His own through Christ Jesus.

But in this broken world, there is foster care, temporary placements of children waiting to be reunified with their birth families. My heart breaks for them so we love them as our own. And at the end of their stay, our hearts break even more. 

We know this going in. We know they will leave one day...but it never gets easier. Parents and children are meant to attach. God made us that way. And it hurts immensely when they leave. He then bandages our hearts and eventually sends us another sweet baby. 

"Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." Philippians 2:5-8

DISCLAIMER: Birth moms do love their children who get taken away into foster care.  Sometimes the most loving thing for them to do is to let someone else take care of their children.

Our new daughter Baby A

Oh yes, sleepless nights once again...but it is so worth it! The text from our agency came on Monday, just 3 days after our new house passed inspection. God brought another precious baby girl into our hearts and home last Thursday...Baby A...only a month old.

I picked her up from a beautiful temporary group home about 45 minutes away from our house. Her 30 days were almost up and if a foster family didn't take her, she would be transferred to another group home. How could we say no?

The boys fawned over Baby A and fought over who would hold her, feed her, and play with her. They absolutely love her and their help allows us to continue fostering. :) After a stinky diaper blowout today, I went to hand wash the stained pajamas while my eldest (10-years-old) joyfully brought her upstairs to clothe her in clean pajamas. Praise God for my helpful sons!

We pray for the Lord to work in the relationship we will develop with the birth family as we establish regular visits. Baby A might only stay for a couple of months before moving in with a family member. For now, she is ours through the holidays. 

We are ready...almost!

"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord." 1 Corinthians 15:58 (NASB)

And toil we did this last week, scrambling to make everything foster "safe" in the house according to regulations.  Although it is heart-wrenching to see our babies go and frustrating to deal with difficult birth family members and ridiculous foster rules, we know that God has called us to this family ministry of caring for "orphans". 

We miss our babies! The boys keep asking when we will get another baby. Well...possibly as soon as next week if we provide respite for a fellow foster family. :) After saying no to a few calls over the summer due to our move to a new house and having nothing in place, we are finally ready to share the love of Christ again with children in foster care and their families.

Taking a break from fostering gave us time to move and also provided necessary rest from living the ins and outs of throwing two polar opposite families together and the extra time needed for birth family visits.  We also fell out of compliance with certification...

Having a deadline really puts things into motion. A case manager from our foster agency called me a few weeks ago and scheduled a home inspection walk-through for TODAY. 

This is what was still happening when she rang the doorbell and even after she left. Gotta finish lock up our cleaning agents, knives, and medicine!

Amazon indicated that our new cabinet and drawer locks would be delivered two days ago, but they were delayed and appeared on our doorstep WHILE our inspection was happening. I found some locks at Babies R Us this morning and Jeremy hurried to install them.

Along with a ton of paperwork, here are some other required home safety measures we had to complete in order to get re-certified as a foster family. 

Fireplace screen (thanks Ryan and Steph!)

Smoke/carbon monoxide detectors outside all bedrooms 

Home and vehicle inspection checklists

Pool fence 

Fire extinguishers upstairs and downstairs

Emergency rope ladder for the second floor

But alas, we didn't realize we needed to secure all windows in rooms that provide direct access to the pool so that they cannot open more than 4 inches. :( So a dowel or latch of some kind will suffice. Easy fix. Praise God everything else is done and approved!

So now we wait for that next phone call or text...all in the Lord's perfect timing.  We are excited to meet our new child. :)  Soli Deo Gloria

Goodbye, Yeh-Yeh

Allen Mah
June 13, 1925-July 6, 2015




My Yeh-Yeh (paternal grandfather) lived a hard-working life, achieving the American Dream of providing a better life for his family.  As a young boy, he was adopted because his family was too poor to keep him.  At age 13, he journeyed to America for a month on a boat and entered through Angel Island during the time of the Geary Act, which was an extension of the Chinese Exclusion Act.  Immigrants had to prove they were already residents of the US in order to enter the nation.

During his 3-month stay at Angel Island, they found out he was a "phony" (Yeh-Yeh's own words) and sent him back to China.  A little while later, he bought papers once again, claiming he was a family member of an already established immigrant family and became a Paper Son, entering America through Los Angeles.

Eventually, he chose his picture bride (literally from looking at pictures of young women) and married my grandma, bringing her back to America.  My dad was born in China and immigrated to California at age 6.  He and my grandma had two more daughters.  The first one passed away as a young child due to disease.  I never knew her.  I grew up with only Aunt Kathy, who is 18 years younger than my dad.

Yeh-Yeh became a chef at the Shadows Restaurant in Stockton, CA, and eventually owned the business, working hard, long hours.  Most of my memories of him from my childhood are in the restaurant with his tall chef's hat cooking and cutting prime rib and other delectable entrees.  Unfortunately, I did not learn how to cook like my grandparents or my dad.  He always offered us food with a smile.

My two brothers and I are his only grandchildren and we saw him all the time.  He picked us up from school all the way through high school when my dad wasn't available.  He never complained about anything. A mild-mannered man, he loved to make us happy.  Every once in a while, we were allowed to pick out a toy from the Best catalog and he would pick up our choices one day to bring to us.  :)

My dad passed away from lung cancer in July of 2006.  Almost immediately after burying his son, my grandfather showed symptoms of dementia and experienced a slow decline in health since then.

I am so happy Yeh-Yeh was able to meet and play with my boys, his great-grandsons.  He loved children and looked forward to our visits to Stockton every couple of months.  When we would drive away from their home, the photo below was often the view I had from the car.  My grandparents and my aunt seeing us off on our long drive back to Southern California.

We are proud of him and honored that he is our grandpa.  I miss him so much and pray that he heard and received the gospel that we shared with him, the good news that Jesus died for his sins and offers the only way of salvation and reconciliation with God.

Goodbye, my sweet baby girl

There is a time for everything. "A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance." (Ecclesiastes 3:4) Today we weep.

We stayed home all morning to maximize our time with Baby M. The county social worker would pick her up before 2:00. I was running around trying to remember last-minute things to pack.

The boys played outside in the rain while Baby M watched for a bit. I sat down on the floor with her, stared into her huge eyes, and gave her lots of hugs and kisses. It's been a wonderful three and a half months with you, precious girl.

She had seemed extra clingy the past few days and I wondered if she had a feeling that things were about to change. 

My mother-in-law stopped by to give Baby M kisses and hugs. Jeremy also came home for a moment and held her one last time.

I put Baby M down for a nap and quickly printed out a sleep and meal schedule to pass onto her aunt. The social worker came at 1:45 and took the huge drawstring bag that had originally came from Orangewood. Now, it was completely full. The diaper bag and the car seat also went out to her car.

My boys took Baby M out of her crib and played with her for just a few last moments as I changed her diaper.

We walked out to the car together but my tears didn't come until after I had buckled her in, watching my 3 boys say their goodbyes and give her many kisses. Josiah had already started sobbing. 

As we reentered the house, Jadon went straight to his room while Josiah and I sobbed on the couch. I heard wailing from a bedroom and called for Jadon. He didn't come. He was in this:

The boys had been building forts on their bunk bed the past few days.  I would have laughed if I wasn't crying already and if it wasn't the perfect example of how he felt. Crawling into a tight space like a cocoon to curl up and grieve. He came out of his hammock to me and we joined Josiah back on the couch. I told them they are the perfect big brothers for all our foster babies because they know how to care for and love them.  Questions about Baby X and when would we see him again...would we ever see Baby M again? Probably not because we hadn't known her family for that long.  More tears.  Baby X's family was willing to keep in touch. 

Josiah: Why don't we ever get someone our age? 

Me: Well, because we wouldn't be able to homeschool him and it's easier for me to take care of a baby. 

Josiah: I wish we could move into our new house quicker.

Me: We'll be moving in just a couple of weeks. Why?

Josiah: So we can get another baby again.

Oh, my dear sons I love your tender hearts. We hurt because we love. 

Judah had been finishing up his lunch this whole time and didn't know what to think of the rest of us huddled on the couch for 30 minutes talking and weeping. I called him over to pray.

Prayed for God to take care of Baby M, that she would be loved, that she would transition easily to her aunt, that she wouldn't grieve for too long, that she would one day know her Creator and give her life to Jesus.

Yes, with love comes grief. It is inevitable. If we didn't love, grief wouldn't come. She is the Lord's and we entrust her to Him. But right now, our hearts break as we learn to hold loosely all over again. Goodbye, sweet baby girl.

A mother's touch

We traveled about half an hour west to a visit with Baby M's birth parents yesterday at a library.  Our prearranged meeting time was 11:00, but due to bus delays and such, they still had not arrived by 11:30.

So after calling back and forth, I decided to meet them where they were and have the visit at a park near that bus stop instead. Both mom (I will call her Karen) and I looked forward to having Baby M's hair properly done. After 3 months, I still haven't gained much expertise in this area. I was ecstatic about a private tutorial! 

My poor baby had such dry hair compared to what it's supposed to be! I watched as Karen skillfully worked the Olive Oil "grease" (that's what she called it) through her daughter's hair. It looks like a translucent green gel. I wanted to capture more of the step-by-step process on camera, but Baby M was so distraught by the hair grooming and being with her parents, who are now strangers to her, that I had to end up holding her in order for her hair to be done. My heart went out to her father, who wanted to continue to hold her, but she kept wailing.

Little ponytails were eventually gathered and tiny braids woven. I hadn't dared to use a comb on Baby M's hair for fear of it tearing out her hair. But Karen used both combs and brushes to get those stubborn knots out. Mental notes were taken...

Just beautiful! Karen didn't finish the little loop on the top because she wanted to spend the last few minutes of her visit with Baby M in her arms. So it was my job to split it into two little braids when we got home. I could handle that! 

The last moments were spent holding their precious baby girl and taking photos with her.  They love her so much. I pray that God will bring Baby M and her parents to Himself one day through their faith in Christ. 

Thankfully, over the past 7 years, the Lord has given us birth parents who have been appreciative rather than angry. It makes things so much easier when they realize that we are here to help them, not take their children away. 

God can redeem their mistakes. He can redeem our mistakes. What a masterful plan it is when we know that we are all broken people in need of a Redeemer's grace and mercy. Two families from two very different worlds working together to bring a child home. Crazy, isn't it? 

"Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; for His lovingkindness is everlasting." Psalm 118:1

Little hands, little feet: Our new daughter

I received the call just before 3:00 in the afternoon last Thursday from our foster agency. A 6-month-old African American baby girl needed to be picked up before 8:00. 

Jeremy said, "Why not?" So he picked her up at 7:00.  

A great loss for our little one. Who was taking care of her? What happened? Why did she take to us so easily and why does she sleep so well? Was she moved around or did she have a parent for her first half year of life? She must miss them, yearn for them, but she can't tell us. I shed tears of sadness for her tonight.

Oh, the weight of sin in this world. But she is precious, known and created by our Father in heaven before she was even born. 

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." (Psalms 139: 13-14)

She needs a mother, a father, a family. And God has chosen us to receive such calls. We would never have chosen to foster. We are not perfect parents, nor are we without our prejudices. But God chooses to use broken people to complete His purposes.

So for now, I will clip her tiny fingernails and toenails. I will attempt to braid and care for her hair. We will grow to love her as our own...until God determines the best time for her to go...and we will weep for our loss, which will be yet another loss for her.

We've had such wonderful support from my MOMS Club, our church, neighbors, family and friends. Thanks for all your prayers, well-wishes, baby clothes, meals, help in our home, and even a stroller. 

Social Media's Ugly Side

If your child has his own cell phone, you might want to consider placing some mobile safeguards on it.  We attended an eye-opening workshop yesterday for our foster care continuing hours.

The first part of the workshop consisted of discussing social media sites, identifying those that allow for anonymous user names.  I will include those sites as well as the mobile safeguards.  Now that kids have their own cell phones, the world is at their fingertips.  Predators and inappropriate sites/apps abound.  Know your kids' passwords! They are NOT responsible enough to have complete privacy.

Take your child's phone from them at bedtime.  Return it in the morning.

The second part of the workshop presented issues with video games.  Educational ones are great.  PC online games, consoles, and mobile gaming can be extremely disturbing.  Because many people have their own cell phones or tablets these days, mobile gaming is on the rise.  In fact, the number of women over 50 has surpassed the number of teenage boys who play mobile games! (Of course they don't play the SAME games as teenage boys.)

Tips for connecting online

Social Media Sites to Watch For
Instagram 
Twitter
Pinterest
Vine
Reddit
Tumblr
Snapchat
WhatsApp
Boxer
Tango
Chatroulette
MeetMe

Social Media Sites that allow anonymous user names
Kik
4chan
Ask.fm
Whisper App

Mobile Safeguards for your child's phone

MamaBear (Android, iOS) - FREE
All-in-one mobile parental controll app that allows you to locate a child through a smartphone, keep tabs on social media activity, and find out when your kid has been driving over the speed limit.  Location tracking can tell you where your child is, as well as provide arrival and departure alerts from locations such as school or home.  The social media monitor can be set to notify you when your child adds new contacts, uses restricted words or uploads photos or tags.

Norton Family (Android, iOS) - FREE trial
A parental controls app that allows parents to moinitor their children's online activity.  The app monitors internet use, allowing parents to see which websites kids are attempting to visit.  The app also automatically blocks access to inappropriate sites (with optional email notifications to parents). A premium paid tier unlocks more features.

Kids Place (Android) - FREE
Sometimes, you just want to lend your device to your younger children without putting your apps, data, and settings at risk.  Kids Place is a custom app launcher that creates a customized sandbox environment for your kids to play in, filled with the apps of your choice. In addition to allowing you to filter accessible apps, Kids Place also prevents installations of new apps and blocks both in-app purchases and Google Play access. A timer feature lets you limit use, with the app locking after a set time. Multiple profile support lets parents create custom environments for different users. Exiting Kids Place (as well as changing settings) is blocked with a PIN.

McGruff Safeguard (iOS) - FREE

mSpy Parental Control (iOS) - $49 and up
Blocks calls, tracks call history, track GPS location, record surroundings, read SMS and instant messages, blocks websites and apps, get access to photos & videos

My Mobile Watchguard (Andriod, iOS) - $4.95/month
Offers users with a series of powerful parental controls that allow mom and dad to see phone call logs, read text messages on their childrens' phones, set web blocking and time blocking, remotely block and grant access to apps, as well as find out where your child is through GPS. No stealth mode, so your kid is aware that they are being watched.

Net Nanny (Android) - $19.99/year
A simple control app for your child's Android device, letting you be as conservative or liberal with your content blocking as you like.

McAfee Family Protection - $19.99/year
Choose from four age profiles that each block websites in up to 35 categories.

eBlaster Mobile - $69.95
This stealthily monitors everything your child does on his device.  From a remote Web administrative console you can see who your child texts or calls, and you can see his browsing history, too. Parents can also define a "virtual fence" and if your child steps out of these boundaries, you'll receive an alert.

WebWatcher  (Android, iOS) - $99.95

iKeyMonitor (iOS, Android) - FREE trial
iKeyMonitor Spy App is featured as 100% undetectable iPhone Spy App and Android phone Spy App. It is an Key Logger for iPhone/iPad/iPod/Android that logs SMS, keystrokes, passwords, websites, screenshots and delivers logs to you by email or FTP.

AVG Family Safety (iOS) - FREE

And just like that he's not my son anymore...

The handoff was uneventful yesterday (Friday) morning around 10:00.  We drove to the library like we had many times before for visitations with Baby X's aunt.  This time, a quiet, solemn air encompassed the space inside the van.  The only one who didn't feel it was Baby X.  He had no idea what was going on.

We waited at the fountains with the dolphin statue until his aunt texted to let me know she had arrived.  That's when the tears began.  She greeted me as usual with a cheek kiss and off we went to the cars to unload most of Baby X's belongings.  We still didn't know if it would be merely a weekend visit with a gradual transition or an immediate placement.  She told me in her broken English to not be sad, that I am her friend and that we could visit him any time.  Do you know how grateful I felt to hear those words?  Praise God for her kindness and willingness to keep in touch!  In the past 6 years, we've only been able to keep in touch with one foster child's family.

Later that evening after Zumba, I saw that I had a missed call and a voicemail.  Dancing and exercising had lifted my spirits, but when I listened to my social worker's voice message as I sat in the car, my heart dropped and a lump appeared in my throat once again.  The judge had decided that it would be considered a placement and that I would not need to pick him up again.

In order to have closure, my sweet neighbor Roscio helped me speak to Baby X's aunt this morning in Spanish.  We will be having a quick open house tomorrow night (Sunday) to say goodbye.  His new family will be bringing him over.  If you are reading this and would like to join us, please let me know and I will get you the details.

Our family will need to heal a bit before welcoming another little one into our home.  Maybe we'll provide respite for a couple of months.  The boys were sobbing in bed on Wednesday night as the news sank in.  I had sat down on the floor in front of their bookshelf looking for books to pack up and give to Baby X and heard Josiah sniffling on his top bunk.  I asked him why he was sniffling and he murmured, "I don't know."  A few moments later, he confessed that he thinks he's sniffling because he's sad that Baby X has to leave.  I started to pray with them and then heard sobs coming from Jadon in the bottom bunk.  Their tender hearts are so broken.

Baby X will always be my son of my heart.  We have other heart daughters and sons out there who we may never see again this side of heaven.  I pray that they will know Jesus one day, repent, realize that He is the only giver of true life, and live for Him with joy all of their days.

Official news: our Baby X will be leaving...

But we don't know when exactly.  Our social worker called this afternoon to inform us that his aunt has been approved to take him.  Tentatively, he will spend the weekend with her.  There is a court hearing this Friday morning, after which we should receive a clearer picture of what will happen - if he will transition immediately or gradually.  And there is the slight chance that he might stay longer.

So how do I feel?  SO, SO SAD.  Ok the floodgates have opened and the tears are freely flowing out now.  Yet I am happy he is going to be with his family - his tia, tio, prima, and primo.

"The Lord gives and takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21

God gives us our foster children to love for an indefinite amount of time.  Days, weeks, even years.  During that time, He keeps changing our hearts to say yes in all sorts of situations.

Yes to foster care instead of adopting from China.
Yes to a teenager instead of a baby or toddler.
Yes to cross-cultural adoption instead of just fostering.

Each time we don't know where it will lead, but God allowed us to experience depths of His love that we never would have known had we not loved and parented these precious children.  We've grown so much, made a gazillion mistakes, and will make a gazillion more mistakes in the future.

Baby X came to us a week out of the hospital and now he is 19 months old.  Seeing all those baby and toddler milestones really imprints this little life even more into our hearts.  He knows a few signs - more, all done, and please.  It's so much fun because he is really wanting to communicate these days.

It's a good time for Baby X to transition since his language skills are still lacking.  He'll learn a new language - Spanish - and will hopefully become fluent.

More later...

Fear

Woo hoo!  I am resurrecting my blog tonight.  The last you heard, I was completely heartbroken at the end of 2012.

Little did we know, about a month after our teenage foster daughter left, a precious little baby boy was born 3 months premature in Los Angeles.  As I sobbed daily in grief, feeling the emptiness of our daughter being gone, God was preparing a tiny new life to join us in April of 2013.  I felt like an utter failure as a parent, but God would soon build me up again.

I met him on Friday, April 5th at another foster home for an initial meeting.  Baby X had been there for a week, straight from the hospital.  The couple was unable to care for him any longer, so Olive Crest called us to see if we would take him in for about a month or two.  On Monday, April 8th, I drove over to the house, collected his few belongings, buckled him into the car seat and brought him home.

Fear kept us from considering adoption for Baby X.  The original goal was reunification and we didn't have to face that option...at first.  Then January rolled around with a court hearing after 9 months of loving him as our own, seeing all of his little milestones.  God changed our hearts through many of your prayers and we officially became fost-adopt parents for Baby X.

Fear of potential teenage identity crisis (he is Mexican and we are Chinese), fear of our extended family members not accepting him as part of our family, and fear that he would one day resent us for adopting him kept us far, far away from the idea of cross-cultural adoption.  Now, we embrace it.  God extended His grace to call Gentiles as His own through Christ.  How can we not do the same?  His perfect love casts out fear.

BUT it's just not that easy.  He is still on track for reunification with his extended family members.  Even though we said yes, it's still a maybe.  Our social worker came to visit a couple of days ago and tears welled up in my eyes for the first time, thinking that Baby X might leave us one day soon.  So for now, we continue to love him deeply, yet hold him loosely.  Here is Baby X with his tia and prima.  They love him, too.

Marriage discussion

Discussing the servant's search for Isaac's wife in Genesis.

Josiah: Why did they need to find a wife that was a relative of Abraham.

Me: So they would know that she loves God.  You will also need to pray for a wife who loves God if you get married one day.

Josiah: I don't think I'll remember that from right now.  It's so far away.  Maybe 10 years?

Me: Don't worry.  We'll talk about it a lot.  I will definitely talk about it with you a lot over the years.  Well, you will start to like girls maybe in 10 years.

Josiah: I already like girls.

Me: Well, I mean in a different way.  Not just as friends.

Josiah: How?

Me: Like you will start thinking about falling in love and getting married.  Not just a regular friendship.

(Don't want to delve into that topic yet.  It's so sweet that everyone is just a friend now.  Ah, precious childhood.)

Believing Jesus

I've been reading Kisses from Katie, a book chronicling a few years of 22-year-old Katie Davis.  She loves Jesus and is devoting her life to living in Uganda and serving the people there.  In addition to that, she is in the process of adopting 13 girls!  Talk about faith!

As I am nearing the end of the book, this segment rings true for me as our dear Jackie moved to live with another family last month.

"And God, who sees and knows what is very best for her and for the rest of my family, allowed her to go live with someone else.  For the good of me, for the good of her and the rest of my children, for the good of His Kingdom and the glory that is His.  So I trust Him.  I cling to His promises.  I believe in His goodness." -p. 256

But because I am human, I still grieve over the loss of a family member.  We dropped off our last photo book on the doorstep of Jackie's new home on Christmas night, as we were driving back home from Northern California.  Jadon asked, "When are we going to see Jackie Jeh-Jeh again?"  "I don't know..."  The boys know she has moved out, but don't understand why.  I'm not sure I truly understand why, nor all the crazy emotions that go along with being a foster teenager.  Judah still refers to the empty bedroom as "Jackie Jeh-Jeh's room."  Josiah treasures the memories of biking and playing monopoly with his beloved big sister.

It hit me that J would move out the day we arrived home from our extraordinary visit to North Carolina.  That night we had an adoption appreciation dinner for foster families at Olive Crest.  After dinner, the tears wouldn't stop as I listened to everyone's stories of successful adoptions, etc.  Of course I was happy for them, but my heart was in pain and my emotions were raw and fresh over our family's situation.  I cried for weeks before and after she left.  How can someone I love so deeply just get up and move out?  But it's not about me, or her, or my family.  I have to trust that God allowed this to happen for the good of all of us, and ultimately for His glory.

Jesus taught me how to keep loving even when love didn't come back.  He gave me a daughter.  He gave me a teenage daughter!  Nothing fit "our" profile at Olive Crest except that she was Chinese.  He didn't promise that we would receive love back from others.  His commands are to love God and love others.  So we loved imperfectly and we gave imperfectly.  I still feel like a failure, but I know that we tried our best.

And we will continue our call as foster parents.  Maybe we'll have a baby boy next, a toddler girl, who knows?  We didn't start out wanting to be foster parents, but truly God called us to be, at least for this chapter in life.  And He knows we are weak, unable to do anything without Him.

Thank you Jesus, for dying for me on the cross, and for showing me true love.  Please help us to give our lives to others, too.  We selfishly want to be comfortable and not be inconvenienced.  Help us to move past those desires and continue serving You by loving children who need a home and a family.

Scattered thoughts

Wow, it's been a while.  Our sweet neighbor Ruben is over here hanging out with the boys so I'm typing away.

Summer!  The boys love summer because our schedules are so relaxed.  Josiah loves to ask me why he still has to do homework when it's summer.  :)  You see, I desire to be more tiger mom-like, but I lack the discipline to follow through.  Not that I want to be up at midnight making the boys practice their instruments until they get it right, but to be a little less relaxed than I am.

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I cuddled my 2.5-year-old Judah yesterday in my arms and called him my little baby boy.
J: No, I Judah.
M: You're my baby boy!
J: No, I Judah.
M: You're not my little baby?
J: No, I Judah!
M: You're my little boy.
J: No, I Judah!
M: You're my little boy!
J: No, I BIG boy!

Last night Jer and I heard this comment from Judah for the VERY first time: "I so tired."  :)  Usually he tells us he isn't tired and tries to fight bedtime.

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I've been reading a book called Raising Kids with Character that Lasts, by John and Susan Yates.  I love how the authors encourage us by reiterating that we are all in process.  We are continually being shaped by the Lord into men and women of character.  Do what is right vs. do what we feel.  Training our children by sharing our weaknesses and how we stumble allows them to see that it is ok to fail.  God picks us up and has us move on in His strength.

It's ok for the kids to be bored because they will have to be creative to entertain themselves.  With boys, sometimes the creativity leads to destructiveness.  Hehe.

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Fostering our teen is constant emotional turmoil for the foster child and the foster parents.  We have our ups and downs, but because the natural family has been broken up for her, that hurt is so deep.  Only the Lord can heal those broken hearts.  Therapy and drugs can only do so much to help, but ultimately it is God we all need.

Before lunch, J and I had a calm but slightly emotionally-charged conversation.  It doesn't hurt that she doesn't want to be adopted.  It hurts because she can't hang out with us without feeling pain...so she doesn't.  I feel sad when she excitedly wants to go out with others, knowing that it brings so much sadness to her when she spends time with us as a family.  We were both in tears, as this situation isn't ideal since there has been so much loss to get here, but it is the best situation it can be at this point.

Crisis of Caring

The Crisis of Caring is a book written by Jerry Bridges, one that has stuck with me since college, when I studied it with my small group.  He discusses how true love for others is a far cry from what we generally think.  First, we have to be aligned with God, knowing that only through Jesus can we even begin to love unconditionally, and only then can we even begin to truly love those around us.

Instilling in the boys a love for others is so difficult since we are all born with major selfishness.  We started teaching them this verse, "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves." (Philippians 2:3)  Every day is a struggle for us all to be at peace, especially since we homeschool and see each other ALL DAY long.  :)  There are plenty of opportunities to remind them of this verse all the time!

And of course it's the hardest at home, to consider their brothers as more important than themselves.  :)  I pray that the Lord will continually work on my heart to be a good example to serve others.  Home is the place where all of our sins come out and I know they've seen an abundance selfish acts from their Mama!  They are quick to forgive and I am so thankful for that!

Here are a couple of photos for you all.  My boys have a membership to an online educational program that allows them to earn gold coins when they accomplish a level of math, Bible, language arts, geography, or science.  They can purchase pets, furnish their castle, and see their friends' castles.  I'm sure there's a lot more to do on there that we're not aware of yet.

Check out the pets' names:

Josiah's pets:

I asked Josiah to name his pets and left the room.  When I returned to the dining room, this is what I saw and I exclaimed, "You named your dog JESUS?"   My mom was visiting and began laughing hysterically.  I tried to hold it in since I was sitting with Josiah.  Thankfully, I was behind him and he couldn't see me, but he could feel me shaking!  Yes, it's hilarious and kinda sacrilegious, but it's so sweet that Jesus is a name that is at the forefront of my little boy's mind.  :)

Jadon's pet:

Jadon is so different from his brother.  He has no desire to save his gold coins.  Once he has enough to buy something, they're gone!  Josiah has over 1000 and has not decided to purchase much of anything.  The average cost of an item is 60 coins.  

Childlike faith

Last night Josiah came up to me before heading to bed.  He asked me to look under his upper lip.  I looked and there was nothing there.  He then ran to the bathroom to look in the mirror, then returned and exclaimed, "God healed it!"  I had no idea anything was wrong but I gladly celebrated with him by saying, "That's so great!"  Apparently there was a red mark or scratch there earlier in the day.

While we teach our children to be thankful for everything, I don't think I would so readily exclaim that God healed me right after everything seems ok.  I would probably move on and just be glad that my illness or wound is finally done with.  But yes, God heals!  I should be just as quick to thank the One who made us.  Thank you, Josiah, for reminding me!

Here's my boy playing in a recital yesterday.  I forgot to record from the beginning, so it's way short.  His posture is awful because he's using the pedal and I don't have one of those fancy pedal boxes made for tiny students.

And here he is hanging out in a tree in front of the church, anxious to get some play time after sitting about 45 minutes for a whole recital!

Verbal skills

On the way to church yesterday morning, Josiah was reading street signs.

"Garden Grove"
"Knott State" (abbreviated as St.)

M: "Street"
J: "oh, street"
M: "How did you know the K is silent?:
J: "Because it doesn't make sense."
M: "Yeah, it doesn't make sense."
J: "And because I've seen Knott's Berry Farm before."
M: "Oh yeah!"

The English language is quite strange indeed.  Why do we have silent K's?  Ludicrous!

Here's a happy scene from today.  We're babysitting Brandon and his cousins introduced him to Hungry, Hungry, Hippos!  Now back to homeschooling #1 while the younger 3 nap!

And here is little Judah, blocking out the light with his "pay-pay" and finally falling asleep!

Judah's 2-year stats

My boys are all tiny, and Judah is no exception.  He was below the charts for the past year and finally, the doctor was ecstatic today!  He pointed to the curve on the chart and Judah's plot at 7% for weight.  Poor little guy got one vaccination on his left thigh.  He got a Snoopy bandage for his bravery.  (Actually, I held him down and all he saw was my face.)  The nurse quickly gave the injection and Judah immediately started crying.  It lasted only about a minute before he sadly said, "Owie..." as he pointed to his thigh.

7.81% of growth percentile based on weight-for-age.   5th or more is normal. 
12.77% of growth percentile based on stature-for-age.
10.12% of growth percentile based on head circumference-for-age.


Here's my #3 bewildered about having this gown on.

And here he is with his crazy big brothers who like to swipe the items found around the exam room...like the gloves and tongue depressors.  Yes, that's a safety hazard to leave him alone on the exam table...

Christmas 2011

Charming Holly Wreath Christmas

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Errands

Yesterday I ran some errands with my boys and had to define "errands."

At the dry cleaners:

Now it's time for grocery shopping! There was a cuter sight of them sitting on the sidewalk waiting for me to get the reusable shopping bags from the car, but I failed to capture that memory. Judah was sucking his thumb, watching me walk back and Josiah and Jadon were goofing off next to him. Here they are walking from the parking lot into Albertson's: